apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
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It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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