Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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