I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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