it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
