Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
