that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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