Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
