cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
