Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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