Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
