I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
