rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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