great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Found the puke drawer
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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