So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
the raccoons are back...
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