someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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