WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
