fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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