first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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