He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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