Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
