at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
