An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
