new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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