Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
