My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
