Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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