So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
no, he came in my armpit
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
soo... how was my night?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I love you.
Bad choice
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize