LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
