I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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