I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
