Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Success! We fucked roommates!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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