I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
