I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We need a shit load of segways right now
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
