I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
