I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
