Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
