True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
