I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
