i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I lost the right to judge tonight
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
