We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
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I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
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My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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