Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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