Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So many bounce houses so little time
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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