so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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