Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
