He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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