i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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