Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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