Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
