My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
they're like a gay fantastic four
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
