I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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