a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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