you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
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did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(