There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.