this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
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I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
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Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha