If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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