I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
