i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
